8 Ways Brahminical Patriarchy Affects Me

I decided to go with an 8 points list, the most cliched approach to “name” the problem because it is so difficult to put everything in one article otherwise. It is also difficult for me to articulate everything. My experiences have been disappointing, and sometimes hurtful, but they are coming from my very own. It tears me inside to have to write this. But today of all days, many thanks to Dr. Ambedkar for burning Manusmriti, I think I can share these experiences. Even if nobody understands, these experiences need to be acknowledged and named – a woman’s experiences of Brahminical patriarchy from a Brahmin-originating social location. Here are 8 of them –

1. Being subjected to constant and irrational hatred, aspersions, disrespect, and ridicule if we choose a partner who is outside our caste, race or class. When this comes from the people you love and who are supposed to reciprocate the same unconditional love, it breaks us inside. There is nothing you can do to earn their love and respect. Your partner’s character, intellect, and affection and respect for your family don’t matter. He will always be hated. The worst part is that most often this hatred will be channelled through you because they cannot directly communicate their hatred to someone they do not even acknowledge as part of their family. So caste-based hatred becomes part of your meal on a daily basis. Sometimes more than that, it gets mixed like poison in the air you breathe all the time.
   
2. When hatred doesn’t stop you from choosing the partner you love beyond the caste/race/class barriers set for you, your character gets questioned. You have failed to uphold the family honour. You have spoiled your family name in exercising your right to choose your partner, especially when that partner doesn’t fit the family’s expectations. Your family would have been so happy if only you would have sacrificed your happiness for them. By not being willing to make this sacrifice, you have proved what an ungrateful daughter you are. Their entitlement shows in asking for this level of sacrifice but that is not to be questioned, they obviously own you by letting you live. Moreover, any expression or hint of your sexuality is evidence of your characterlessness. You are a whore that you touched a man without marriage, that you allowed him to place his hand gently on you, to let you feel loved. You need to first get permission from everyone in the world including their made-up gods and get married before even thinking of touching a man. And you are the biggest whore in the family if he is not the first man you have been with.
   
3. While your consensual relationship gets discussed endlessly until you are tired of responding to nasty comments, you have no agency to question sexual exploitation that has happened within your family or community. The sexual predators get to continue living their “respectful” lives and the survivors have to behave normal around these people in social settings. Even questioning sexual abuses indicates an understanding of sexuality, which you are not supposed to have. This can create doubts in the family/community about your pretend-virginity. At least that must be maintained at any cost. Even if you cross other boundaries, your virginity is the one most important thing your family wants to hold on to as a symbol of their honour. Therefore you should shut up in matters that are only for “adult” people to discuss and resolve. You silently watch them all act normal around predators and you start seeing their double standards for the first time in your life. The predators being men need not be questioned and called out. Their share of responsibility to protect the family/community name is not as much. You being a woman have all the burden of responsibility to protect the family/community name. Even when you try to call out a predator openly, you will be seen as the one who evaded her responsibility of protecting the family/community name by talking about your concerns or experiences openly. You should know better, you should know how to forgive without ever being asked for forgiveness. You should know that family/community’s honour comes first, you come last.
   
4. A woman whose husband died or who is separated/divorced and who decides to live and raise her children independently is punished for not allowing male control in her life. She is left alone by her own family that is ideally supposed to help her become independent. They take pleasure in seeing her suffer. When she complains of feeling insecure because of some predators or offenders around her, the family members intoxicated with Brahminical patriarchy derive satisfaction and pleasure from the situation and say, “See, we told you so. You should have come and lived with us.” You also see a trend of denying women any share in the family property while men keep getting showered with more and more. When you see this happening with all the women in your extended family, you feel incapable of fighting this misogynist culture and system. You give up.
   
5. Often you do not even have the language to name what happens to you because you have been kept away from feminist and anti-caste discourses. You do not understand why your complaints about your uncles touching you are ignored so much; why you have to touch the feet of creepy old men and godmen even if you don’t want to be around them; why you do not get permission to do certain jobs or to marry in certain communities; why you are told so many times to observe certain rituals and celebrate some festivals without fail; why some rituals can be done only by men; why certain other festivals, monuments, public figures, and movements never get introduced to you even when you ask about them (in fact they are deliberately kept from you); why some of your friends are liked and welcomed in your houses and why some others are discouraged and discriminated against; why your mother became so angry one day when one such friend touched the water pot; why it was such a big deal if one such friend ate first during a religious ceremony; why some domestic workers are hired over others when they all appear good for the job; why the domestic worker is never allowed to take some drinking water from the pot and has to always wait for you to give it to her; why they never care to read what all work carries your name but the entire extended family shakes up when you drop the caste-based name from it. The list is endless. But none of this causes any problem and gets managed easily, almost like a natural order gets restored on its own, until the day you ask your first question. And when you do, you are the cause of all the troubles. You are the one who cannot see people happy or accept people for who they are. You are accused of discriminating against your own family, judging them.
   
6. Brahminical patriarchy becomes highly active when they see you getting closer to the anti-caste discourse. The warning signs for them are Dr. Ambedkar’s pictures. It would not matter that they worship knowledge and books in the form of Saraswati, when they see Dr. Ambedkar’s picture on your book, they would want to tear and burn it. If you are not careful and strict, they might even be successful in doing that. Anything you do which is coming from your anti-caste awareness is problematic and “anti-national” within your own home. Your PhD is problematic, they will do everything to stop you from getting it. Your teachers are bad influences, they will be equally hated in your homes. Your research, field studies, jobs, anything through which you work against the caste system is equally problematic and hated in your house. You might be respected, loved or applauded by the world for your work, but inside your homes, you are to be hated for that very work. You become the embodiment of Dalit in that family. They do not care where you have been, you are always treated as if you worked in the trash. When you come back from fieldwork, you are treated as an untouchable and asked to go straight to the washroom. This was the norm in the pre-COVID era, now I cannot imagine what is to come. Your work is always to be ridiculed, never to be taken seriously. They make sure that other people hear their version of your work first and disgust your work like they do. Whenever they talk about your work in front of others, they always associate it with “trash”, “dirt”, “gutter”, “stink”. They gloat when others judge you similarly and find your work unworthy. Your family members are always in the best position to hurt you because they are your loved ones. The damages caused to your soul remain invisible. The verbal violence they do to you goes unchecked and unpunished.
   
7. Brahminical patriarchy found a new expression since last few years – Mr. Narendra Modi. You are told in your families that we must vote for him. The reason need not make sense to you – we must vote for him “because we are Hindu”. On bringing up facts and questions of social justice, you are called a “Muslim”, a “Dalit”, a “traitor”, and a “Pakistani”. Your family starts telling you to go to Pakistan. You see more and more God-channels being watched on your television. The constant propaganda you hear on the TV starts appearing in your conversations with your family members. The cocktail served to brainwashed minds includes – “Hinduism is the best religion in the world but is at threat”, “we respect women but they must behave like good wives and mothers”, “we are tolerant but we know how to strongly respond to any threat”, “the caste system might have been really bad for some communities but it is meant to be harmless and good”, “we believe in equality and justice but reservations are an injustice to Savarnas”, and “we must vote for Modi ji if we want to protect our religion, culture and children’s future.” You see your family celebrating Mr. Modi’s victory as if he is more a son to them than you a daughter to them. Their caste and religion-based loyalty disgust you. They do taali-thaali to mock you. We anyways do not have many Dalits, Muslims, or Christians in these Savarna housing societies. The taali-thaali and lamp-lighting were to intimidate you and make you realize that you are a political minority here. The lamp-lighting that needed turning off lights also outed you as a dissenter, an “anti-national” in your society. It scares you. You have nowhere else to go. Your family is part of this circus.
   
8. Brahminical patriarchy can sometimes scar you for a lifetime. On a day when you are vulnerable because you are menstruating heavily and have cramps, you would want to feel normal, comfortable and happy in your home. But normalcy is a misconception when you live in biased spaces. Asking for food can be a crime in such spaces. You should know better and patiently wait for your turn to get food. On this day when you are menstruating, you are additionally abhorrent and may get served some aspersions as an appetizer if you can’t stay hungry. You are reminded that they are doing a favour by allowing you a few concessions in terms of the untouchability norms for menstruating women. You are told that you should not touch food until the rituals get over because their religion says that you are equal to a “demon” on the days you menstruate. Your eyes fill with tears, all you asked for was food. You wonder what sort of religion this is that you have been doing everything you are told since childhood and yet you are judged as a demon and you haven’t even done anything to deserve it. If you respect yourself, you would want to stand up for yourself, to reject a religion which perpetuates misogyny, untouchability and hatred. If you are not ashamed of being a woman, you never forget that day. You take that pain they give you and you let it scar you to an extent that you cannot stand their religion anymore. You break free.

You find your way to the anti-caste discourse to help name it. You name it and reject their religion, norms, rituals, and caste-based names. They continue to do things to scare you, but you learn to fight it. They punish you for fighting back. You sometimes get tired and do not respond, sometimes fight back, sometimes write letters. You learn to survive Brahminical patriarchy although it keeps taking the form you a lot and you can never get rid of those scars. You learn to celebrate your awakening. You learn that being a survivor of Brahminical patriarchy, it is most important to commemorate Manusmriti Dahan Divas.

Jai Bhim!
Sheeva Yamuna